Domestic Violence and Dating Violence

Dating and domestic violence, often referred collectively along with other forms of violence as intimate partner violence, is a patern of physical, emotional, verbal, and/or sexual violence perpetrated by one partner in a romantic relationship toward the other partner.

Physical abuse may include:

Hitting
Shoving
Punching
Biting
Intimidation
Use of weapons

Emotional abuse may include:

Threats
Humiliation
Isolation

Verbal abuse may include:

Name calling
Put-downs
Screaming

Sexual abuse may include:

Unwanted touching/groping
Forced sex or sexual behaviors
Pressure to have sex

The abuse does not go away. In fact, intimate partner violence gets worse as the relationship continues. There may not be violence present at all times; but there is a distinct pattern of tension, escilation, and violence, which may or may not be followed by a period of good times. Eventually, however, the violence will surface back again.

Consult the section on what to do if you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship.

Is My Partner Abusive?

Take this relationship quiz to see if you’re in an abusive relationship:

Does your boyfriend/girlfriend always seem to know where you are going and shows up unexpectedly?
Does your boyfriend/girlfriend make you feel guilty for not doing what he/she wants?
Does your boyfriend/girlfriend put down anything about you (i.e. your race, religion, class, or family)?
Does your boyfriend/girlfriend threaten suicide if you leave him/her or don’t do what he/she wants?
Does your boyfriend try to scare you by smashing things, yelling, driving recklessly, or with looks or gestures?
Does your boyfriend/girlfriend threaten to disclose personal information about you to others?
Does your boyfriend/girlfriend want to make all the decisions in the relationship?
Does your boyfriend/girlfriend force unwanted intimacy?
Does your boyfriend/girlfriend demand you get his/her permission to go somewhere or do something?
Does your boyfriend/girlfriend go through your purse, locker, cell phone, email without your permission?
Does your boyfriend/girlfriend hit, smack, punch, or shove you?
Does your boyfriend inappropriately grab/touch you in public?

If you answered yes to any one of these questions, you may be in an abusive relationship. Abusive relationships need to be taken very seriously. Did you know that South Carolina ranks #2 in the nation for women killed by men? It is inappropriate and dangerous for couples to receive marital or couples’ counseling when the relationships is abusive. Often when couples go through marital/couples therapy, the victim continues to be blamed for being partly responsible for the abuse. No one deserves to be hit or humiliated and no one deserves to be in an abusive relationship!

Consult the section on what to do if you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship.

Prevention

Precautions to help you reduce your risk for being involved in an unhealthy relationship and acquaintance rape are listed below. Unfortunately, there are no guaranteed strategies for preventing dating violence and sexual assault. It is always a good idea to be aware of your surroundings, and make every attempt to stay out of situations that could escalate to the point of one individual being forced to do something they don’t want to do.

THE FOLLOWING ARE GOOD RULES TO LIVE BY FOR EITHER PARTNER:

Self Assessment

Think about what you really want from or with a partner.
Beware of stereotypes that mold behavior and prevent you from acting as you want to. (Examples include: women not being able to initiate, or men not being able to say “no.”)

Personal Health

Feel good about yourself, and if you don’t—try to examine why. Attempt to get involved with activities or people who “bring you up.”
Take care of yourself. If you feel that you might need emotional help or support that cannot be provided by family or friends seek it elsewhere. STSM has counselors and assistance available 24 hours a day. The contact number is 771-7273 or toll free at 800-491-7273.

Communication Skills

Communicate what you really want.
Say exactly what you are thinking.
Set clear limits for acceptable behavior (such as no touching below the waist”).

Assertiveness

Believe and act as if your needs are important, without exploiting others.
Suggest what you would like to do on a date.

Interpersonal Skills

LISTEN to what your partner is saying, and PAY ATTENTION to the meaning of their words.
Pay attention to non-verbal cues.
View your partner as an equal.

Awareness

Observe how the environment around you is changing (such as your being left at a party by your friends when you don’t know how you will get home).
Work towards avoiding vulnerable situations.
Pay attention to friends’ behavior at parties or social situations. Be on the lookout for strange behavior that is unusual. Date rape drugs do exist and need to be guarded against.
Know your rights.
Know which behaviors constitute rape.

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships

Healthy	Unhealthy
Trust	Lacks trust; jealousy may be present
Honesty; spontaneity	Abuser only sees what he/she wants to see, and deceives the significant other and self.
Openness	Abuser is closed, private, unwilling to share anything about one’s own thoughts, wants and emotions.
Open Communication	Messages are closed, unclear and one-sided.
Understanding	No effort is made to become aware of the significant other’s needs, feelings, or wants.
Flexibility/Compromise	Inflexible; compromise only occurs when abuser’s demands are met, or when the abuser is trying to make up after abuse has occurred.
Clear Boundaries	Boundaries are unclear, diffuse as if both partners are one; victims sacrifices all identity and individuality.
Respect	The belief exists that one partner is godlike while the other is worthless. Respect is demanded by abuser, but abuser gives none in return.
Freedom of Choice	Partner is pressured for physical activity or commitment.
Development of self as first priority	There is obsession with finding someone to love.
Balance of mutuality in the relationship	Imbalances of power exist.

How to Help a Friend

Here are some tips from the National Domestic Violence Hotline (www.ndvh.org) on how to help a friend who is in an abusive relationship:

Don’t be afraid to let him or her know that you are concerned for their safety. Help your friend or family member recognize the abuse. Tell him or her you see what is going on and that you want to help. Help them recognize that what is happening is not “normal” and that they deserve a healthy, non-violent relationship.
Acknowledge that he or she is in a very difficult and scary situation. Let your friend or family member know that the abuse is not their fault. Reassure him or her that they are not alone and that there is help and support out there.
Be supportive. Listen to your friend or family member. Remember that it may be difficult for him or her to talk about the abuse. Let him or her know that you are available to help whenever they may need it. What they need most is someone who will believe and listen to them.
Be non-judgmental. Respect your friend or family member’s decisions. There are many reasons why victims stay in abusive relationships. He or she may leave and return to the relationship many times. Do not criticize his or her decisions or try to guilt them. He or she will need your support even more during those times.
Encourage him or her to participate in activities outside of the relationship with friends and family.
If he or she ends the relationship, continue to be supportive of them. Even though the relationship was abusive, your friend or family member may still feel sad and lonely once it is over. He or she will need time to mourn the loss of the relationship and will especially need your support at that time.
Help him or her to develop a safety plan.
Encourage him or her to talk to people who can provide help and guidance. Find a local domestic violence agency that provides counseling or support groups. Offer to go with him or her to talk to family and friends. If he or she has to go to the police, court or a lawyer, offer to go along for moral support.
Remember that you cannot “rescue” him or her. Although it is difficult to see someone you care about get hurt, ultimately the person getting hurt has to be the one to decide that they want to do something about it. It’s important for you to support him or her and help them find a way to safety and peace.

If you help a friend who is in an abusive relationship, be very careful for your safety, as well as the safety of your friend. Even if the abuser has never been physically abusive in the past, violence is at its peak when the victim tries to break up with the abuser. The abuser may come after their victim and anyone else that has helped him/her in the past. Contact law enforcement if there is concern for anyone’s physical safety!